The Ignorant Neophyte’s Guide to Unemployment

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Whenever I see Facebook and Blog posts full of enthusiasm and optimism from the newly unemployed, I’m torn between laughing out loud and crying for the pitiable, ignorant neophyte. They talk about their illustrious work history, the success they’ve had in the workplace, how hard they’ll work at lining up that dream gig while showing the brainless bureaucrat that laid them off how foolish they were. Hey, Newbie, you may have hung the moon on your last job, but no one gives a shit. Moon hangers are a dime a dozen. I’d LMAO for real if it weren’t just so naive and sad.

Having now been unemployed for over a year, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to share with you newbies. We’re talking cold hard truth here, folks, and it ain’t pretty. The cold hard truth is that the old paradigms don’t exist anymore. Whatever you think you know, you don’t. Trust me. You don’t.

If there are any Senators or Congressmen reading this, you’d be well advised to pay attention. Maybe you can actually come up with a useful solution or some-a that alleged stimulus money, whatever and wherever that actually is.

1. You don’t exist as a living, breathing human being. Double this one if you’re over 50. If you think I’m kidding, wait until you’ve posted hundreds of resumes and dozens of applications and can’t even get an acknowledgement. It’s a sad state of affairs when the rare rejection feels like validation.
2. Since they stopped counting people who’ve given up, you only partially exist even as a statistic. Here’s the breakdown: Living, breathing human being: 0. Statistic: 0.25 to 0.50. Stings a little, don’t it?
3. COBRA. I don’t know how you’ll pay for it on unemployment but I hope you got it and I hope your insurance has good mental health provisions. You’re going to need it to cope with the anger, frustration, damaged interpersonal relationships and overwhelming sense of worthlessness that you’re about to face.
4. Be prepared to be told that you’re lazy, unmotivated and undeserving of the Unemployment Insurance that YOU paid into when you were working... and that’s just from your elected officials. How does it feel to be sucking on the public teat, you worthless maggot? I know. I KNOW! Oh, and keep your chin up.
5. Your spouse doesn’t understand. He or she may care and sympathize, and they certainly have plenty of their own pain and fear to deal with, but they simply don’t know what it feels like to be a throw away non-person.
6. Try not to take it personally when well meaning friends or family tell you about a carpet cleaning job. So what if you spent 25 years building a career? This is what’s left to you but guess what? 150 other non-persons are competing for that suck-ass job; that what’s REALLY left to you.
7. If you complain about that suck-ass job that you’re not going to get anyway, you’ll be told to take it. ‘A job is a job’, they’ll say from their lofty perch up there in the land of the employed and fully extant. Never mind that it was never offered.
8. You know that economic recovery we keep hearing about? Don’t get your hopes up. Whatever it is they mean by ‘economic recovery,’ it’s a safe bet that it doesn’t apply to you. Sure, your economy could use some recovering but not like it will six months from now.
9. There are actually working people who envy you. They think you are on permanent vacation. I guess they forgot that vacations are supposed to be fun and often include jet skis and motel sex. They are half right, though, about the permanent part.
10. Here they are, the two most useful words you will hear through all of this: underground economy. Personally, I don’t even want to think about what an unmitigated disaster this would have been without the dog breeding income my wife has produced. Cash in, puppies out; living, breathing widgets!
11. Pay special attention to that last one, newbie. It doesn’t necessarily need to be underground but I concluded long ago that the only way I’m going to find a job worth having is to make my own. I’ve been working for months to accomplish that and I’ll soon be telling you all about it. I suggest you do the same.

Okay, so I’ve been a little cheeky with this post but hear me now and believe me later: every word of it is the God’s honest truth. Sorry to burst your little bubble, Sunshine, but I don’t make this shit up. I just report it. My wife says that I always sound so bitter about this subject. Can you imagine?

Now, Ms. Potential Employer what couldn’t even bother to properly reject me, if you’ll just kiss Cappy’s rosy red rump, we can all get on with our little lives.

Peace. Out.